Are you pregnant? Do you hope to be? Are you not pregnant, don’t hope to be, but are reading this because you’re bored? If you answered yes or no to any or all of these questions, then you’re probably confused—which is understandable, since pregnancy can be a very confusing time. After all, every single thing you put in, on, or even near your body can affect the outcome of your pregnancy—i.e. the baby—in terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ways. Freaked out yet? Well, you should be. This is really serious! God, what don’t you get about that? Luckily, we have a super helpful foolproof guide of dos and don’ts to help you navigate that bag of waters through the best pregnancy in the world.

Let’s tackle the most important thing first: alcohol. Doctors say that a glass of wine a day will not harm your unborn baby, or its IQ. Even occasional binge drinking while pregnant (more than five drinks) doesn’t seem to be tied to developmental issues. So drink up!

That being said, don’t drink! There’s no guaranteed safe level of alcohol use, and even one glass of wine in your entire pregnancy could lower your baby’s IQ and be detrimental to its growth.

And whatever you do, don’t smoke cigarettes, as it causes low birth weight, is linked with asthma in children, triples the risk of meningitis for kids, can affect their reading comprehension, and increases the risk of stillbirth and miscarriage.

However, infant mortality among babies of smoking mothers is much lower than that of the general population. So light up!

Rub almond oil all over your taint to help prevent an episiotomy. But don’t do that becausealmond oil is linked to premature birth. Take folic acid during and before your pregnancy, take probiotics to prevent eczema, take iodine to prevent low IQ, and take choline to prevent schizophrenia.

Take vitamin D to prevent multiple sclerosis and to help your baby’s brain development. But there’s not enough evidence to show that supplements help, so it would be more effective tospend time in the sun, since it’s good for the baby’s eyesight and bones. Stay out of the sun, though, because it causes folic acid degradation and could fuck up your skin with pregnancy mask.

Take fish oil supplements for better visual development of the baby and to prevent post partum depression. However, fish oil won’t help make your baby smart, and it will lengthen your pregnancy.

Antidepressants are bad, except that they’re fine, except that they aren’t, except that they are.